Secure Your Own Mask First

Found (about the house)

2012-02-18T05:29:00.000-08:00

Operation: Tom Sawyer. "Yes, you may play with the shop vac. Just make sure you get the corners."

Twentysomething: Sarah Braud

2012-02-16T04:59:00.000-08:00

Have you ever seen Inside the Actor's Studio? Love it. At the end of each show, the host pulls his VERY BEST French accent out of his pocket and tells the actor that he is going to ask them a series of questions from frenchblah frenchblah frenchblah veryfrenchword. I looked it up and his questions are from a famous list used by Proust and good salons everywhere around the turn of the century (that's the turn from the 1800s to the 1900s).

When I first started this blog, the purpose was to interview my friends who were moms of young children. Today begins a new series of Proust/Inside the Actor's Studio-inspired interview with my friends. I give a bunch of questions and they answer twentysomething of them.

Like when the blog began, first up is Sarah Braud.

1.How did we meet?It’s hard to say, but I’m gonna go with teaching together at Antioch HighSchool. We had several friends in common, so there is a chance we met throughone of them, but I’m pretty sure our first formal introduction was at a facultymeeting. I was probably in a ridiculously long Little House of the Prairiedress—I was still trying to find my professional fashion voice—and you wereprobably panting behind Ms. Eura Petway, making sure she had everything sheneeded. I think I called you Petway’s Pet, thinking I was clever andalliterative.

2.What profession would you most like to attempt? Writing is definitely upthere…creative writing, that is. A comedy sketch writer or a sit-com writerwould be super cool. Even though writing is a dream career, its actually a stepdown front of the ultimateprofession: acting. More specifically, acting opposite of Johnny Depp.

3.Who is your favorite fiction character? I’d be stupid not to say Atticus Finch, so I sayAtticus Finch. (Would it be redundant to prove it and remind you that I have ason named Atticus?)

4.Who is your favorite historical character? I think Harriet Beecher Stowe is in the top tenfor sure. Can you imagine having your art actually cause a war?

5.What is the furthest place you've traveled? I had to check the map to see that Venice, Italyis further away than Bamberg, Germany. I had to figure out a way to includeanother city besides Venice, just to try to impress.

6.Where would you like to visit?Oh my. Long list. I’ll include just a few: 1. Hiroshima on August 6^thto watch their yearly memorial of the WWII bombing with floating lanterns sentout to sea; it’s also my wedding anniversary, so you know, two for one. 2. TheAcademy (art school) in Florence,but I’d need it to be a long visit so I could take a class. 3. Morrocco tosmell the spices at the market and see all the colors. Gosh, I could go on and on…

7.What is your favorite domestic duty?That question makes the silent assumption that I enjoy one or more duties fromwhich I could choose.

8.What is your least favorite domestic duty? Ahh, an assumption I can live with. Plenty ofchoices here and still no contest: I hate doing the dishes. By the way, I wasasked this same question once as an ice-breaker at a family reunion. In my case, doing the dishes was the most despised chore because it never ended. Then the facilitator of said ice-breaker informed us that our reasonsreflected how we felt about sex. Needless to say, I do not recommend this as an ice-breaker at a family event.

9.What are three items stuck to your fridge right now? Again with the assumptions,Melinda. You really need to work on that. Stainless Steel fridge = not magnetic= (for the Brauds who would NEVER put tape on an appliance) nothing sticking tothe fridge.

10.What room would you like to add onto your house? Does raising the roof count?What about a stand-alone garage with second-story studio? How about an enclosedback deck? And a complete reversal of dining room and kitchen? Enlarged livingroom? Make my bathroom just a wee bigger so it will fit a Jacuzzi tub? No? Noneof those count? Okay then, I’m totally content with my house as is.

11.What is your favorite drink? SweetTea (and only if said in four syllables)

12.What sound or noise do you love? Crickets.At night. One of the things I missed most when we lived in the city.

13.What sound or noise do you hate? Thesound made by handling Styrofoam. I can’t even talk about it without needed toapply pressure to my fingernails and licking my teeth. If you get me, throwyour hands up.

14.What is your favorite name that you didn't name one of your children? Oh, I love naming. It’s theworst part about not having more than two children. Lola Frances was on my listfor a long time before I retired the list and started naming chickens instead.

15.What toy must every kid have?I’m not a big toy person. I don’t really remember playing with toys as a kid. Iwas an imagination girl. Just give me a mirror or another kid to play housewith and I was happy. Are crayons toys?

16.What is your favorite color in the box of 64 crayons? I liked the name Burnt Sienna,but my favorite to look at was Cornflower blue. It was almost ineffable. Likeit was almost not blue. It seemed so thin, like it would somehow slip throughmy fingers and evaporate. All the other colors had definitive boundaries, butnot cornflower blue. You could keep layering it forever and it never gotdarker.

17.What picture book do you not mind reading over and over again? Anything by Richard Scarry(except Watch your Step, Mr. Rabbit—Mr. Rabbit’s chronic inattentiveness hitstoo close to home), but mostly his dictionaries. I love illustrateddictionaries.

18.What is one piece of advice you would give to a new mom? Only take advice on parentingfrom someone who is has no more than 6 months experience than you, at leastuntil they are school aged. Then, you’ll need someone with at least ten moreyears experience to help you take the long view— preferably someone whosechildren have had teen pregnancies or been in and out of rehab. At the veryleast, only take advice from parents whose children don’t attend church. You’llat least always walk away feeling better about whatever is going on in yourhouse.

19.What dish do you take to a potluck?Whatever I can convince my husband is his “signature” dish. If I appeal to myhusband’s ego, I find I can get him to do anything I don’t want to do. (WillDave be able to read this?)

20.Remember Woody Allen's Purple Rose of Cairo? What movie would you liketo step into?Moulin Rouge.

21What three things would be part of an ideal day? Fried chicken, a good book anda blanket.

22.What three things are part of a real day? Fried chicken, a good book and a blanket.

23.For what are you the target audience?Any adult beverage commercial that includes the beach and a latino cabana boy.

24.What would you forty-year-old self say to your twenty-year-old self? Wear a bikini as much as youcan (and I’d like to request a teeny, weeny yellow polka dot one) and try toget photographed in it as much as possible. Despite your 98 pound frame,something horrifying and hormonally unstoppable will happen to you around age25 and you will never be described as “twiggy” again. Identifiers like “petite”and “spritely” will one day be fond, but very faded, memories.

Sarah lives in Franklin, TN with her husband, Dave, and her two kids Ellie and Atticus. She teaches international students at Vanderbilt University and is working on her MFA in writing. You can read more about/from Sarah on her blog: Sarah's Juniper Tree.

Read (Wall Street Journal's "Word Craft" essay)

2012-02-06T08:46:00.000-08:00

When I was four, I had a deep obsession with the "Sesame Street" character Oscar the Grouch. I spent hours crouched in the kitchen trash can, occasionally popping out to say crabby things to my mother, who was basically a good sport about it.

"Getting Inside Someone Else's Head" by Dan Chaon

Read

2012-02-02T07:42:00.000-08:00

'Don't have a mother,' [Peter] said. Not only had he no mother, but he had not the slightest desire to have one. He thought them very over-rated persons.

Found (in the potted plant)

2012-01-31T17:41:00.000-08:00

O pencil tree, O pencil tree.

Found (on the front porch)

2012-01-28T05:36:00.000-08:00

In a flash, they were gone. All of them. High King Peter, Queen Susan, King Edmund, and Queen Lucy. Wither had they gone? Back to the land of Spare Oom? And, would they return hence?

Found (under the vent)

2012-01-27T04:42:00.001-08:00

Not sure whether she's coming or going.

Found (on the kitchen counter)

2012-01-25T04:15:00.000-08:00

I've noticed a pattern when a certain person has clear-the-table duty.

A Commercial

2012-01-23T14:19:00.000-08:00

Let's say you wash and dry some crayons that were left in the khaki pants of one of your children (and let's say the crayons were red and blue and the child was a son). What to do?

You may be surprised that if you spray the pants LIBERALLY with WD-40 and let them sit for 5 minutes and then pour dishwashing soap on the stains (or over every inch of all the stuff that is worth saving) and then gently rub the spots with a clean cloth and then wash them again . . . they come out relatively clean! Wow!

Now, two words for the dryer that is looking slightly purple: Magic Eraser. I should buy stock. A lot of stock.

And, almost finally, better dry an old towel or something before you put any clothes you care about in the dryer.

And, finally, better buy some more WD-40 before anybody needs it for a non-laundry project. Like oiling a squeaky hinge.

Found (in the kitchen sink)

2012-01-20T15:05:00.000-08:00

Goodbye, dear caffeinated, icy cold beverages. We must go our separate ways. Thanks for all the morning wake-up calls. Thanks for all the afternoon pick-me-ups. Auf Wiedersehen! Au Revoir! Farewell! Goodbye!

Found (in the bathroom)

2012-01-18T04:25:00.000-08:00

The downstairs bathroom does have great acoustics. (And no windows, so it's great for a tornado, too).

Found (on the floor)

2012-01-17T13:19:00.001-08:00

I'm probably going to pick this up off the floor and eat it.

#takingmycuesfromthekids

Found (in the silverware drawer)

2012-01-15T05:52:00.000-08:00

It would've been nice if he had smiled a little when I opened the drawer.

Found (on the kitchen counter)

2012-01-13T18:34:00.000-08:00

Bill knew he'd blown his first day as a storm trooper.

Found (on the bedside table)

2012-01-13T18:20:00.000-08:00

Well, it's pretty representative of life over here—a lovely 1926 British edition of Pride and Prejudice (a most excellent wedding present) and a black dagger.

Found (on the kitchen counter)

2012-01-04T14:03:00.000-08:00

When it comes to sharpening pencils, it is important to have options. Don't you agree?

I think this is one reason people get fake trees. Or, why I love my shop vac.

2012-01-04T14:01:00.001-08:00

Found (on Christmas Eve Under the Tree)

2011-12-25T05:11:00.000-08:00

(I don't think this one is having visions of sugarplums in his head.)

Merry Christmas!

Found (among the pecans)

2011-12-23T16:10:00.000-08:00

Found (Christmas Edition II)

2011-12-21T14:19:00.000-08:00

Some kind of union meeting about nut-cracking quotas or the no-dancing clause.

Found (Christmas Edition)

2011-12-15T19:46:00.000-08:00

Even after the fifth time, the shepherd begged for another round of Ring around the Rosies.

Found (in the playroom)

2011-12-13T11:13:00.000-08:00

Occupy Hayneville.

Found

2011-12-06T14:49:00.001-08:00

Vader Vac. Hot item for this Christmas season.

(In the last one you can see the hand of the funny guy who invented the Vader Vac.)

Found (on the window sill)

2011-12-03T15:26:00.001-08:00

Two Fig Newtons.

Found (in this big box)

2011-12-02T15:15:00.001-08:00

These two. On their backs. Silently eating the last pears from the neighbor's pear tree.

Found (in the bedroom)

2011-11-30T11:30:00.001-08:00

Sleigh bed with dark stain? Yes. Red and White ticking comforter? Good. Pap-Paw Goodness Gracious' tables? Nice.

Road Rally Pillowcases? #decoratingfail.

Found (White Socks)

2011-11-28T12:08:00.001-08:00

White socks—after a walk around the McCurdy's pond.

Found (on the bathroom counter)

2011-11-25T05:01:00.001-08:00

A still-life portrait: the state of Louisiana with electric toothbrush.

Found (standing on the counter, leaning on the fridge, examining the candy left from Eden's pinata party)

2011-11-24T03:20:00.001-08:00

He was so engrossed in the contents of the bowl, I was able to take the picture before he really noticed I was there. #redhanded.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Found (in and near the kitchen basket)

2011-11-22T05:01:00.001-08:00

Rudy, the re-ed onion, had very shiny skin. And, if you ever saw it, you would say its pretty thin. All of the orange oranges, used to laugh and call him names. They wouldn't let poor Rudy, play in any orangie games.

Found (on the window latch)

2011-11-20T13:16:00.001-08:00

Using only an apple-shaped silly band, MacGyver Jr. made a cup holder to use when standing on the table (O, Captain, My Captain) and needing a place to put your drink.

Found (on the milk jug)

2011-11-17T16:48:00.001-08:00

According to the label, you should purchase this milk on or before my 40th birthday.

Found (in my bag)

2011-11-16T15:35:00.001-08:00

Wallet, Bible, keys, Speece School calendar, notebook, two pens and . . .

Rifle scope.

Self-Portrait, it's what's for lunch.

2011-11-15T17:04:00.001-08:00

Somebody made this at the beginning of lunch. That somebody certainly wishes she was allowed to wear this much lipstick.

Found (on the playroom table)

2011-11-13T15:42:00.001-08:00

A stack of someone's Sunday afternoon reading?

Found (in the backyard)

2011-11-12T05:23:00.001-08:00

Why, yes, we have been listening to Robin Hood.

(P.S. That's the dog's leash on the bow and Little Hudson in the tree.)

Found (by the sink)

2011-11-10T04:51:00.000-08:00

What is the health department's stance on drying watercolor paint trays in the food prep area? And, what kind of meal do you make with celery and eggs?

Found (in the Popcorn Tree)

2011-11-09T06:09:00.000-08:00

I think I shall never see

Anything as lovely as your piano book in a tree.

After practice, the brothers began to chase,

And there was not a minute to waste.

So, you stowed book in the safest spot

And start running before you they got.

(Better be glad your mother came

And got it before it rained.)

Found (in the Candy Bowl)

2011-11-08T11:39:00.000-08:00

Sweet Tarts, Dum Dums, Smarties.
The dregs of candy society.

Found (sleeping on his brother's desk)

2011-11-07T13:56:00.000-08:00

Found (in the dryer over the past month)

2011-11-05T14:10:00.000-07:00

I cleaned the top of the dryer today. The bad news is that of the $1.28 pictured here, only one quarter and two pennies are real. Sigh. I must admit that the dryer is not the cash cow I hoped for when I agreed to do the laundry for the kids.

Found (in the kitchen)

2011-11-05T08:31:00.000-07:00

It's a tale as old as time—abide the traditional ways or adopt modern methods? Or, to say it another way, sword or Nerf dart?

(P.S. - I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.)

Found (on a series of mornings above the sink)

2011-10-29T05:41:00.000-07:00

I discovered him each morning doing a new trick. By the end of the week, I had to conclude that he is a bit of a show off.

Found (at the backdoor)

2011-10-29T05:34:00.000-07:00

But when she went to the door, all she found was this burning torch.

Overheard (at the playground)

2011-10-06T15:11:00.000-07:00

A mom to her six-year-old son: "He is just trying to get attention. Remember when we talked about the psychology of attention getting?" It is nice when you can use your college degree to parent. (Unfortunately, I was an English major. Anybody want to act out Act V of Hamlet again?)

Found (on the window sill)

2011-10-04T06:27:00.000-07:00

This brings to mind that famous adage—Pirates who sit on glass barrels shouldn't throw stones.

Found (at the playroom table)

2011-09-10T16:07:00.000-07:00

"My brother and sister are out with my dad, so my mom is letting me do whatever I want. Next, I'm going to drink a Diet Coke, unroll a entire roll of toilet paper, and eat sugar straight out of the bag."

#beenreadingbookswrittenfor12-yr-oldsagain

2011-09-09T14:44:00.000-07:00

From time to time (meaning: my whole life/as often as possible), I like to read what is officially known as YA Lit (Young Adult Literature). Many are well-written books, and, since they are written for people in about the seventh grade, I can read them in a day or two. Now, I'm all for a tour of War and Peace or Crime and Punishment, but it is very nice to plow through something quickly. I find that very satisfying. Here are two of my recent favorites:

It is hard to pick a favorite line (or paragraph), but here is one of them: Penelope (the governess of three children—Alexander, Beowulf, and Cassiopeia—who were found in the woods and were, mostly likely, raised by wolves there) wondered if she ought to ask what was wrong, but as she already knew the answer, she decided it would be best to press on with the poem. Reading aloud was a task she enjoyed; it allowed her to pretend she was a famous actress on the London stage, which she thought might be an interesting career if only it were not so scandalous. Also, the working hours for famous actresses ran late into the evening, and Penelope had always preferred early bedtimes.

And from the second: In fact, it was all out of books, for Penelope had never been to London. However, she had read a great deal about it: a noisy, odorous, fogbound city where gaslight made the nighttime bright as day, yet the air was so thick with coal soot that the daytime was dim as dusk, and where poor orphans were likely to have terrifying encounters with escaped convicts, but were just as likely to inherit large fortunes willed to them by long-lost relative they never knew they had. Surely such a paradoxical place would be well worth a visit.

Oh, to be so clever!

Found (on the ironing board)

2011-08-23T04:25:00.000-07:00

6:30 A.M.

Found (on the rug, on the counter)

2011-08-10T04:20:00.000-07:00

The person who colored like this, also cleared the dinner table and organized the dirty dishes symmetrically. . .

Found (on the dining room table)

2011-07-20T14:33:00.000-07:00

Two questions: who set the table and what's for dinner??

Found (in the bathroom)

2011-07-14T09:23:00.000-07:00

It's a hot-weather dilemma: should you brush it or cut it all off with the ninja sword? Choices, choices.

Found (in the bathtub)

2011-06-30T10:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's best not to ask.

Found (in the dark, after hours)

2011-06-29T18:24:00.001-07:00

Found (on the back porch)

2011-06-28T06:07:00.001-07:00

Nothing says summer like eating ice cream with your feet up (while wearing matching shirts and shorts).

Found (on top of the refrigerator)

2011-06-15T05:19:00.000-07:00

Looks like the top of the fridge has become a do-not-touch zone: bleach, hatchet, nerf gun, paddleball paddle. Safety first, kids.

Found (on the steps)

2011-05-22T16:55:00.000-07:00

Like many of you, we've decided that the steps are the best place to leave tennis balls when we are finished playing with them. It's all about access, right?

Found (napping on Dad)

2011-05-09T16:32:00.000-07:00

Found (after snack)

2011-04-28T17:46:00.000-07:00

Caught in an unexpected popcorn shower, Cynthia and her daughter decide to wait it out.

Found (on the camera)

2011-04-20T16:20:00.000-07:00

Someone's been using my camera. The suspect is a size 11 and barefoot. If you see anyone matching this description, call me.

Found (while you were sleeping)

2011-04-13T13:55:00.000-07:00

It seems safe enough around here, but it is good to sleep with a sword just in case.

Found (on the kitchen floor in low light)

2011-04-01T14:09:00.000-07:00

It is late at night. All is quiet and the lights are low as you do a final check of the house.

What's that?

You come closer, hoping for the best but fearing the worst (would a mouse sit so still? How about a rat?)

Whew. Just a clubtail. (Aren't they herbivores?)

Found (In the boys' bathroom)

2011-03-28T06:39:00.001-07:00

In order to use the sink, you must answer the ancient Riddle of the Turtle.

So You Want to Win the Caldecott?

2011-03-25T14:01:00.001-07:00

This fall I read all the Caldecott Medal winners with the kids. It was interesting to see what the committee valued over the years and a little research revealed some helpful patterns (especially if any of you have aspirations to win the Caldecott). The 2001 winner So You Want to Be President?, written by Judith St. George and illustrated by David Small, inspired this post.

Since 1938, the Caldecott Medal (named for British author and illustrator Randolph Caldecott) has been awarded each year for the best American picture book illustrations.

So, you want to win the Caldecott? You can illustrate using pen and ink, watercolors, oil, pastels, woodcuts, mix-media collage, charcoal—just make sure it is good. And unique.

You might have a better shot at winning if you were born in New York City or immigrated to America. Nearly half of all the winners were born in NYC or foreign lands.

Are you married to a children's writer or illustrator? If so, that's good. Eight times the medal has gone to a married couple like Ingri and Edgar Parin d'Aulaire (for Abraham Lincoln) and Alice & Martin Provensen (for The Glorious Flight).

Is your name David? Five Davids and three Leos have won. One Marcia won three times (tied with one of the Davids for the most medals).

Do you like working with animals? Lots of Caldecotts portray animals realistically, like The Biggest Bear and The Lion and the Mouse. Or sometimes not so realistically, like Tuesday's flying frogs or Fables' Victorian-clad menagerie. Robert McCloskey had trouble getting his Make Way for Ducklings subjects to stay still, so he gave them a little wine to slow them down while he sketched.

Illustrations of the city in books like Madeline's Rescue, The Snowy Day, and The Man Who Walked Between the Towers have won. Time of Wonder is set at the beach, and The Little Island is, well, on an island. Illustrations of imaginary places, like in Where the Wild Things Are, have won too. But none set in outer space.

Is winter your favorite season? The Caldecott is crazy about snowy, Christmassy books like The Big Snow, The Polar Express, and the father-daughter adventure Owl Moon.

If you have a favorite tale from another culture, try that. About one-sixth of all Caldecott winners are re-tellings of traditional folktales from places like Africa, India, Mexico, and Russia. Or, how about a song? Joseph Had a Little Overcoat, Frog Went a Courtin', Always Room for One More, and The Rooster Crows are all based on songs and rhymes.

Finally, while the Caldecott is given for the illustrations, it might help if you also write the story. Over half of the medals have been given to a single person who has illustrated and written the book, like Peggy Rathmann's Officer Buckle and Gloria (hahahahahaha) and Peter Spier's Noah's Ark (wow)!

Hope this helps. If you do win, please send us a signed copy.

Found (on the table)

2011-03-19T07:01:00.000-07:00

So much for draining the pasta.

Don't Hit Your Sister while We are Crossing State Lines

2011-03-16T12:18:00.000-07:00

The other night, we were watching The Next Three Days about a woman who is put in prison on murder charges and, after many failed appeals, her husband (Russell Crowe) decides to break her out. It is intense. So intense that I had to excuse myself for about forty-five minutes saying, "This is stressing me out. I'm going to go check my email."

"Check my email" was code for "I'll be reading all the spoilers about the movie on imdb.com to figure out if she . . . " Oh, I won't spoil it for you.

Anyway, once I knew the ending, I came back for the final twenty minutes or so, and I had a thought: this would be very different for Russell Crowe if instead of his one precious, long-haired, falls-asleep-at-the-exact-right-time child he had three or four kids in tow.

First, they would have a lot questions about what mommy is doing in the back seat and why does daddy have numbers written on his arm and why did we have to leave the zoo early, and, of course, they would ask all those questions at the same time ("Who wants to play quiet mouse while Daddy decides which escape route to take?"). They would demand snacks, and those snacks would get all over their hands, faces, and clothes ("Hey, keep it clean back there; this is a rental!"). And they would require a bathroom stop or two ("Couldn't you have gone BEFORE I broke Mommy out of prison?"). No way he'd get to have that Moby soundtrack pumping in the background ("Daddy, you said it was my turn to pick the music!").

And, most of all, he would need a getaway mini-van.

Found (among the goldfish crumbs)

2011-03-06T15:23:00.000-08:00

Not since the incident with the Jawas has C-3PO found himself in such a pickle. Where's Luke when you need him?

Found

2011-02-12T05:16:00.000-08:00

After a long day of jousting, Luke and Hans—still in medieval gear—rest. In the dingy.

Be Prepared: Liz Richardson on Auditioning

2011-02-07T12:25:00.000-08:00

One night, while Lincoln was at a meeting, I was walking with the kids around the seminary townhouses before bed. As we crossed between the C and E buildings, what did we hear? A beautiful, strong voice coming down to us through the walls. It was opera. It was Liz Richardson.

A couple of months ago (where does the time go?), I talked with Liz about auditioning.

Liz's first audition was for the homeschool choir, which everybody made.

She always listened to a lot of music like the soundtracks from Phantom of the Opera and Les Miserable (the first Broadway musical she ever saw)—over and over and over again. She would shut herself in a room and sing along. Her mom played the piano (lots of Rogers and Hammerstein), and she would sing with her, too.

Then, when she was about twelve, she had an influential friend ("She was the cool girl and I wasn't") who was taking voice lessons, so Liz decided she wanted voice lessons as well. Her parents initially thought it too expensive, but one night while they were singing at the piano her mom said, "You do have a good voice" and took her to a trial lesson.

At the lesson, her mom said, "Is she any good?" She was and Liz started training.

When she was around fourteen, Liz auditioned at the local community college for Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat and made it. This theater became her theater through high school. Since she was home schooled, Liz could take every theater and music class offered at the community college, like voice, ear training, music theory, and sight reading. She also appeared regularly in their shows.

I asked Liz to tell me about the process of auditioning (which makes me nervous just typing it). She described one audition she went to in New Orleans. Although she was interested in a singing role, everyone had to do a dance audition as well, "You could spot the other non-dancers looking for a friendly face." When she had the second part of the audition, the singing part, it was obvious that many of the locals knew each other, so Liz looked for other out-of-town people. She said a big part of auditioning is meeting people, talking while you wait, and some remain friends even after the auditioning day.

Some auditions take you into a private room with the director and others who will cast the show, while others require you to act or dance or sing in front of everyone ("Scary," says Liz). Sometimes you prepare something to read or sing; sometimes they teach you a song, and everyone at the audition takes a turn singing it. If they have one role already chosen, the directors may have lots of people read or sing with that person. Auditions can take all day. Then, there are callbacks.

Liz said she usually has a good idea of how she did personally at an audition, and some idea of how she compares to the others. Directors may give you an idea of how you rank (if they ask you questions, that is usually a good sign) and sometimes you have no idea (a director might dismiss everyone without any comments). And even if you have a good audition, you may not be cast.

As Liz is a voice instructor at Belhaven College, she has also been on the other side and judged auditions for musicals and an opera. She says, "I love to watch auditions" and that it is eye-opening to be a judge. When she auditioned, she thought there was "no way" a director could tell about a singer from 16 bars—about thirty seconds—of music. "You totally can," she concludes.

I asked Liz to give us some tips about auditioning. First, "be overly prepared." When you get to the audition there is a lot that is new and overwhelming, maybe scary and confusing. One mistake that she sees quite often is that people take one emotion from the song and try to actthe emotion while singing; instead, Liz advises, you should "make the song your own and communicate it back. People don't want to be acted at." She also says that the person with the best voice doesn't necessarily get the role. The ability to get the audience to respond is often more important.

Lastly, I asked Liz to tell me about a couple of roles she would love to play. She mentioned that Les Miserables has recently been opened up to regional theaters. She said she would love to play Eponine but that her voice is probably a better fit for Cosette. She would like to do Light in the Piazza, which is set in Florence—a place where she lived and studied during graduate school. And partly because of all the fond memories from her first show, she would like to be the narrator in Joseph's Technicolor Dreamcoat.

Liz Richardson lives in Jackson, MS with her husband Justin and her sweet baby, Liam.

Found

2011-02-07T12:20:00.000-08:00

Anybody seen the soup ladle? It's silver and has a hook so you can hang it up.

Found (in the dryer)

2011-02-04T13:24:00.000-08:00

Someone needs to acknowledge that she is living with a five-year-old boy and systematically check pockets BEFORE doing laundry.

Found (under my pillow)

2011-02-03T11:26:00.000-08:00

Found (on the table)

2011-01-28T07:15:00.000-08:00

Go Green!

Found (in the thermos top)

2011-01-26T17:11:00.001-08:00

I am not sure what these guys are up to in the thermos lid, but I am pretty sure that is a jug of rum they've got with them.

Found

2011-01-18T08:54:00.000-08:00

Let's see . . . orange, banana, or math facts?

Found (on the handle of the trash drawer)

2011-01-14T05:44:00.000-08:00

Close doesn't count except for horseshoes, hand grenades, and getting your pear core in the trash.

Spotted

2011-01-12T10:18:00.001-08:00

It is a little dark, but can you see it? Kept a sharp eye on the kids at this place.

Should I Call MythBusters?

2011-01-01T11:53:00.001-08:00

I've been reading the original Bobbsey Twins (first published in 1905) to the kids. In the second chapter (ironically titled "Merry Days"), Nan Bobbsey is twirling a jump rope for Grace Lavine who is trying to jump to 100. Grace collapses at about jump 97, and everyone fears she is dead (the town bully suggests that eight-year-old Nan will be arrested because she was twirling the rope).

I thought Nan and the others were overreacting, but then it reads "Mr. Bobbsey was startled and with good reason, for he had heard of more than one little girl dying from too much jumping."

Have you ever heard of fatal jump roping?

P.S. - Turns out Grace is fine.

P.P.S. - I don't think the children in the accompanying picture were in any danger.

Found

2010-12-30T17:49:00.000-08:00

Always the last place you look.

Found (in the freezer)

2010-12-27T05:29:00.000-08:00

Snow—It's what's for dinner.

Found (Hudson's Birthday Edition)

2010-12-26T06:15:00.001-08:00

I found dad and big brother getting a birthday-morning surprise ready for little brother. Ready for an epic battle?

Found

2010-12-22T09:09:00.000-08:00

Which came first: the chicken or the paper towels?

Found (gingerbread edition)

2010-12-15T07:28:00.000-08:00

"Paris, 1942" or "I LOVE this scene from Saving Private Ryan."

(Full disclosure: unlike the other "found" entries that I just happened upon, I was there when this one got set up. Still funny though, right?)

Found (in the midst of a battle)

2010-12-08T07:06:00.000-08:00

must. write.

my. memoir.

Found (in a kitchen drawer)

2010-11-26T07:50:00.000-08:00

Anybody seen my very tiny handgun? The last time I had it, I was going to open a can of soup. Now I can't find it anywhere.

Found (outside one brother's room)

2010-11-23T09:04:00.000-08:00

In the spirit of the season, this seemed like a nice find—a note from one brother to his siblings.

(Note to self: work on word spacing after Thanksgiving.)

No Reason to Rebel: Rebecca Corley on Growing Up a Pastor's Daughter

2010-11-15T04:43:00.000-08:00

I met Rebecca Corley in Jackson, MS about two weeks after she got married and about two weeks before our husbands plunged into Summer Greek. The Corleys were great neighbors (even after we moved away from the famed cell-block C)—always up for a visit, a chat, a little sarcasm and sharing leftover school supplies.

Recently, I talked to Rebecca, who is expecting her second child at any moment, about growing up the daughter of a pastor.

If you've watched too many movies about pastor's kids rebelling or heard too many stories of pastor's kids gone to seed or read too many books about pastor's kids rejecting their parents' faith, let me give you (especially those of you who are raising a pastor's kid) a little hope by introducing you to Rebecca Corley, daughter of Rev. Mark and Leslie Cushman.

Rebecca's dad became the senior pastor in Dalton, Georgia when Rebecca was five. She says, it was "fun for my dad to be the head guy," and she describes him—from her childhood perspective—as somewhere between a rock star (up front, all eyes on him) and the CEO of a company that included a bunch of her friends ("Sure, I can get that for you from my dad's office").

As she got older, she never felt that she had to act a certain way because she was the pastor's child. She never heard, "You can't do this because you are the pastor's daughter." Her parents were the same at church as they were at home, the same in public as they were in private. While church and the congregation members were a big part of her life, she never felt that the church was stealing her dad away from the family.

The family spent a lot of time at church for worship, Sunday School, and activities, but so did many of Rebecca's friends. Church was a place she really liked to be—for regular services and activities and also for the in-between times when she could play on the playground, pick blackberries behind the church, and talk with her friends.

When she was in elementary school and older, she got to sit where she wanted during the service (she laughs when she remembers choosing the front row, where, among other things, her dad could see her doodle during the sermon). Not minding the attention, she liked it when her dad used her in a sermon illustration.

The Cushman's often had people over to eat, and Rebecca loved lingering at the table to listen to the adult conversation. When the keynote speakers for the mission conferences spent the weekend at her house, she loved that they got to entertain the "celebrity."

As Looking back Rebecca says, "I never went to Disney World and I survived." The Cushmans never traveled on the weekend, and some of the nicest vacations they took were gifts from congregation members, like a trip on a yacht and trips to the beach. One funny story: because he was a pastor, her dad got a deeply-discounted membership to the exclusive golf club. Like most 13-year-olds, Rebecca was desperate for her dad to put The Farm parking sticker on the car—on the 1985 Mazda 626 (her dad refused).

Rebecca's parents were careful to shield her from big burdens of the church when she was young, but when Rebecca was older, there were a lot more opportunities for her to "do ministry" with her parents. In ninth grade, a friend from church, who was Rebecca's age, got pregnant. At the dinner table just after the news broke, Rebecca's dad said, "Let's go. I need to love and counsel her parents, and you need to love her." From that Rebecca reflects, "A lot of times we want to keep our kids from seeing sin and the effects of it, but it can be good to walk with them through it."

I know there are a few of you out there raising some pastor's kids, so here is some advice from Rebecca and her dad:

1. Never equate their behavior to your reputation.

2. Never say, "Because I am the Pastor," but "Because you are my child."

3. Allow your kids to do ministry with you—like visitation.

4. Focus on loving Jesus and their love for the church will flow from that.

Can I get an "Amen"?

If you, like one guy in junior high, had asked Rebecca the loaded question, "What's it like for your dad to be the pastor?" You may have gotten her pert response, "Your dad's a lawyer. What is like for your dad to be a lawyer?" She had to disappoint that kid because she really loved her life, her dad, and the church. Unlike all those movies and anecdotes about preacher's kids, Rebecca concludes, " My parents never gave me a reason—or the ammunition—to rebel."

Rebecca Corley lives in Birmingham with her husband Kevin (who just accepted a call to Grace Fellowship Presbyterian Church in Clanton, AL), and Weston (a pastor's kid). They anticipate the arrival of William Taylor Corley (another pastor's kid) later this week. Read more about the Corleys here. She is pictured above at her dad's birthday when she was about six with her brother Chris and her sister Anna, with her dad at 9th grade prom, with her family and Grandma Cushman at Easter, and to the left with Kevin and Weston this summer.

Found (Halloween Edition)

2010-11-01T05:38:00.000-07:00

Someone's been hiding in my pumpkin.

Found (in the backyard when no one was around)

2010-10-22T05:36:00.000-07:00

Who among you can remove this sword? He shall be King of the Speeces!

Found (before the sun came up)

2010-10-13T11:41:00.000-07:00

Tea or Croquet? It is always a tough choice in the 5 o'clock hour.

Found (On arriving at the sink to wash the dishes)

2010-10-08T04:07:00.000-07:00

This guy must have drawn the short straw for Operation Kitchen Sink Rescue.

Found

2010-10-02T15:28:00.001-07:00

At least the bathroom smells minty fresh.

Jude Mason on Rock Concerts

2010-09-24T04:55:00.001-07:00

Well, Jude Mason takes you in, wraps you up, puts you at ease, feeds you dinner, and increases your general coolness. All this AND she has a British accent (because she IS British and grew up just outside of London). I visited Jude, who now lives in Nashville (!), two consecutive summers in London. During those six or so days, she worked; cooked for me (including that delicious Thai Lime Chicken and elderberry cordial); saw Madonna, the artist formally known as Prince, and Athlete in concert; watched two film versions of Emma back-to-back after she got back from a concert, AND stood at the edge of the Globe Theatre stage with me for King Lear, 12th Night, and a Midsummer's Night's Dream. Wow.

Recently, Jude sat at my dining room table and we talked about rock concerts (Get ready to be impressed).

Jude's first big rock concert was Duran Duran, the inaugural show of London Arena. She was sixteen and a friend's dad drove Jude and four others the forty-five miles into London. Immediately on her arrival, she bought a Duran Duran t-shirt and put it on ("Not the done thing," Jude reflects now). The concert was amazing; they played every song she wanted to hear.

The soundtrack for Jude's early childhood included music of the '60s like the Beatles, the Stones, Herman's Hermits, Gerry and the Pacemakers, and loads of BBC Radio (which is huge in the UK and quite different from American radio). Growing up it was radio in the morning and radio while going to sleep at night. There were music lessons for Jude and her siblings starting at age seven, and orchestra and band all the way through secondary school. Now fast-forward to adult Jude who, having developed a keen appreciation, great understanding, and deep love for all kinds of music, ended up working for BBC Radio for twelve years, where she could get free tickets for just about any show and sometimes attended four in a week.

Since that first Duran Duran concert, here is a sample of the concerts Jude has seen: Radiohead, Depeche Mode, Rolling Stones, REM, U2, Moby, Madonna, Prince, Rufus Wainwright, Spice Girls, MC Hammer, Crowded House/Neil Finn, Candy Staton, Tina Turner, Kings of Leon, Coldplay, Michael Jackson, Foo Fighters, Arcade Fire, Sheryl Crow, Alison Krauss, Take That, and Duran Duran (that first time and nine times since)!

The best shows, Jude says, are a magical combination of the band, the music, the venue, and the crowd. The band has to be able to play live and to sound something like they do on a recording. She remembers seeing Radiohead just after they released OK Computer thinking there was no way they could replicate their sound in concert. They did—and even exceeded it (must have been why she's been back to see them fourteen more times. That's right, fifteen Radiohead concerts. Jealous?)

The bigger a venue, the bigger the "show," but a guy with a guitar and a stool can "slay a room" as much as the fire and explosions of The Rolling Stones. The crowd is important, too. If you are next to two people more interested in their own conversation ("And then my boyfriend said . . .") or if you are stuck behind the Yeti (or the guys with the hat or the girl with big hair), it diminishes the experience. The crowd, Jude says, has to give back as much as the band is giving.

Here are some of Jude's concert highlights (or, Ladies and Gentlemen, the JUDYS):

Hardest Ticket to Obtain: Radiohead at the Royal Festival Hall in London. The record company only had three and Jude got one. It included drinks with the band. Another time, a friend from a record company called and said, "Look, don't explode in the room but I've got two tickets for The Rolling Stones tonight if you want them." Yes, please. When she called to invite her dad to go with her, he cried.

Best Venue: Shepherd's Bush Empire which is an old theater with two balconies. Also, La Scala in London. This is an old cinema that has been turned into a reasonbly small club and venue. It is shallow and wide, so wherever you stand you feel close to the stage. She's seen Moby, Coldplay (one of her 15 Coldplay shows), and Of Montreal at La Scala. She loves the Ryman in Nashville with its great acoustics and rich history. As well as a small venue in London called the Borderline where she saw REM play under a secret name to just 300 people.

Best seat: Middle of the front row of the balcony at Shepherd's Bush.

Best Brush with Fame: She was seeing Radiohead at Shepherd's Bush, and her seat was in the second row of the balcony. On arriving she read the name cards saving the seats directly in front of her: David Gray, Gwen Stefani, and Gavin Bush. When she went to see U2 at the Astoria in London, she was seated next to Salmon Rushdie at the bar.

Best Merchandise: The band Wonderstuff, after their album called Construct for the Modern Idiot, had a black shirt that said "Idiot" in big white letters. Jude wore hers all through college. She also liked Moby's key ring with the "little idiot" drawing done by him. Hmmm. Anybody else see a pattern?

Best Concert Moment: Jude says, "When that band you love plays that song you love that you didn't think they would play—" and when the person on stage makes eye contact with you, like when she saw Depeche Mode at Wembley Arena or when Coldplay's Chris Martin (with whom Jude shares a mutual friend from high school and has met a few times) spotted her on the fifth row of an Atlanta concert and kept trying to figure out how he knew her; even during the final wave and "thank you" he was trying to place her.

Best Concert Ever: Radiohead at Brixton Academy ("Took my breath away"), followed by the first time (of five) that she saw Arcade Fire at the University of London, King's College ("15 people on stage. I'd never seen anything like it").

To conclude, this piece of advice from Jude about what to wear to a concert: if it is a heavy metal show, wear the oldest t-shirt featuring the band you can find. Otherwise, never wear the t-shirt of the band you are going to see to their show; instead, wear a shirt featuring a parallel but slightly more obscure band. Very helpful.

Oh, and a final plea. Jude has never gotten to see Paul McCartney or David Bowie in concert. If you get an extra ticket, please call her.

Jude lives in Nashville with her husband, Steve (who is the guitarist for Jars of Clay) and kids, Evan (10) and Ella (7). Pictures from top: Coldplay in Atlanta 2008, Radiohead at the BBC Radio Theatre, Mr. Mason with Jars of Clay at the Miracle Theater in Pigeon Forge 2008, and the family ready to play Rock Band (I love this picture).

Jesse Mayfield on Art and Inspiration

2010-09-10T05:09:00.000-07:00

I met Jesse Mayfield our first week in Mississippi. She was one of my favorite people to talk to during our time in seminary, especially about movies and books and writing. Her townhouse was part home, part recording studio, part workshop, and part gallery. Recently, I talked to Jesse about art and inspiration.

Some of us have seen her paintings, her photographs, her recovered furniture, the clothes she makes, and the lamps she's built from a couple of vases. We know that Jesse has talent, but when I asked her if she thinks of herself as an artist, Jesse said that she usually thinks of a true artist as someone who is tortured, angst-ridden, emotional, irrational, spontaneous, and—above all—compelled, unable to do anything but create. Jesse says she is too logical and too goal-oriented and too much of a first-child perfectionist to fit that definition.

Jesse grew up doing art projects with her mom (who holds a Fine Arts degree), looking at her mom's collection of art books from college, learning the names and works of famous artists, and saving materials (like egg shells) for future projects. Her mom taught her various techniques and did drawing exercises with her. They did paper mache and carved blocks of plaster of Paris (made by filling orange juice cartons) like it was marble. They visited a potter in the country, and Jesse got her own kid-sized potter's wheel. She finger painted with tempera paints in the tub, and Jesse always had her own pastels, charcoals, watercolors, oil pastels, and sketchpads.

(Her mom also taught her to look at an object, then draw it without looking at the object again and without lifting her pencil. This taught Jesse how to take an image into her brain and transfer it onto paper. It also provided much entertainment in high school when she applied this task to drawing pictures of her teachers during class without looking down.)

As an adult, Jesse works on one project at a time, and bounces from one media to another; she doesn't like working on the same kind of project twice in a row. But no matter what she is working on, she is drawn to the details, sometimes minuscule details. In painting, she mixes and mixes paint to find the perfect color. In sewing, she labors over fine embroidery. In photography, she slightly tweaks the shades of images for hours.

Jesse admits that when she is in the middle of a project, she's a woman on a mission until it is finished. Recently, for example, she decided to paint all the furniture in the house, and she had to work out all the other daily routines to fit around the project (eating, sleeping, her husband's schedule, her son's nap). In the midst of working on something, Jesse is motivated by the idea of seeing the completed project. She goes to bed thinking of what she will do first on the project in the morning and wakes up early to get to work on it. (Sure you aren't a "true artist" Jesse?)

When I asked specifically about inspiration, Jesse said she doesn't seek it out intentionally; instead, it comes all the time in daily life, especially when she is in a creative place (like in a museum or looking at a photography book) or in a beautiful place. And she is impacted mostly by color. Recently, Jesse was walking through the city with her family, and they came to a concrete wall. In an attempt to cover over some graffiti, the city had painted the wall with patchy left-over paint. To Jesse the resulting blocks of grays and lavenders were beautiful! (This has been fun in her married life as her husband—a musician and composer—is completely auditory; whereas, Jesse is completely visual. They show one another what each finds beautiful).

Also, Jesse describes herself as a cheapskate, so another avenue of inspiration is necessity. For example, when she moved from Mississippi to the Northwest, she needed some lamps. The ones she like were $400 each. She studied them a bit and then was able replicate them for $50 each. Pretty good.

Finally, what artist, Jesse asks, isn't inspired by her childhood? She grew up in rural Alabama—. Jesse reflects that she would like to "make it the essence of my art . . . the dark South, rural life, rusty farm equipment in an overgrown field . . . it is a feeling that I'd like to get out."

I asked Jesse to describe a couple of her favorite projects from inspiration to completion. The first is a small painting of a barn in Shorter, Alabama. She was visiting the Moore's farm and taking a walk through the rolling hills. She came to an old farmhouse and barn. So much color! The orange and slate blue of the rusty tin roof, the washed-out gray boards of the barn, the green-yellow straw grass, the bright green moss on the barn boards, the deep purple shadows, and the scrubby trees. Not able to paint it at that moment, she took a picture and painted it later. She worked on it off and on for nearly three years saying, "I had such a love for the image . . . I wanted to mix the colors well to get the most out of it." Unlike most of her woman-on-a-mission projects, she took so much time because it was personal; "Ideally, I would like to do that process more often." It hangs in her parents' house now.

She also described another painting, an image from her childhood. It is of a man named Leo—she doesn't know his last name—who sat on a black plastic crate, drinking out of a bottle hidden in a brown paper bag on the front porch of the gas station at the end of her drive way for her whole childhood. As a child, Jesse didn't consider all the negative aspects of Leo's lifestyle, "he was just a fixture." The gas station closed after the owner died, and Leo drank himself into poor health. She has the painting in her house, but Jesse says, because it captures a time that is gone "Everybody wants it."

Personally, I like the one with the dangling light bulb. And the scripture that was in the Moore's front hall. And that cityscape she was working on just before she left MS. And the photographs she gave us of the typewriter in her great-grandma's grown-over store.

Jesse Mayfield lives in BEAUTIFUL Portland, OR with her husband, Jeremy, and their son, Levi. If you would like to see more of Jesse's painting and photography, go here.

The Wal-Mart Shaped Box in My Heart (or How I Could Live at Wal-Mart for a Week if I had to)

2010-09-03T07:22:00.000-07:00

Here is a little re-write of some thoughts I once had on Wal-Mart, the most successful company in the history of the world.

When I was elementary-school age, I sometimes defined myself by two things I had not had: a cheeseburger and a bloody nose. Later, it was what I would never do that defined me: read a book you could buy in an airport, hang a poster in my classroom with a kitten clinging to a tree with the slogan “Hang on Baby, Friday’s Coming!” And I am certain that at some point the words, “I will never shop at Wal-Mart” passed my lips. All that shopping bravado, however, was before I got married and moved to Lyford, population 1,972 (plus Melinda and, eventually, Halina, Jameson, and Hudson).

Pre-2003, I could count the number of times I had been to Wal-Mart on one hand, and I think three of those were trips to K-mart. Then, just before Thanksgiving 2006, Wal-Mart opened a new store outside Raymondville, TX. After the six or seven minutes it took to get off our caliche road, it was only about ten more minutes to this new Wal-Mart. We were shocked every visit: “What? Here already? I didn’t even have time to eat the snacks I packed.” Besides the convenience stores in Lyford and Sebastian (which only sold Mexican beer, Spam, Rock Star energy beverages and ice cream novelties), every other store was at least an hour round trip (and that’s was without actually going into the store and buying groceries).

I came to appreciate Wal-Mart and pay attention to news about Wal-Mart. New Wal-Marts in declining cities. Protests against Wal-Mart. Wal-mart's ability to catapult a product to immediate success if they began to sell it.

One story that caught my attention was about a college student (in another city) who decided to spend his Spring Break at Wal-Mart. He wandered around. He watched DVDs in the video department. When he got sleepy, he napped on the lawn furniture in the garden section or dozed in a bathroom stall. The spring breaker stayed forty-one hours of his week-long goal.

His endeavor reminded me of two things: one of my favorite books for the eight-year-old crowd called From the Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler by E.L. Konigsburg and a PBS special about a guy who lived in Alaska for a year, Alone in the Wilderness. In the children’s story, Claudia decides to run away to spice up her life and give her parents a lesson in “Claudia Appreciation.” She chooses one of her brothers, James, to go with her because he is a nine-year-old miser who can fund their vacation. Their destination? New York City’s Metropolitan Museum of Art.

Once at the museum, they scope out places to hide at closing time as well as places to sleep. Sometimes, to be inconspicuous, they join up with school groups. They bathe in the fountain (collecting the coins from the bottom) and eat out of vending machines (spending the coins they collected from the bottom of the fountain). Towards the end of their stay, they discover a clue about an unsigned angel statue, possibly carved by Michelangelo. Claudia and Jamie discover the truth of statue’s sculptor via Mrs. Frankweiler’s crazy filing system, and Claudia returns home different.

In comparing the spring breaker’s experience with that of Claudia and Jamie, it looks like part of his defeat (staying only forty hours of his 168-hour plan) resulted from the 24/7 policy of Wal-Mart. The kids had to employ logic and stealth to remain undetected in the museum, and they took advantage of the after-hours hours to explore behind the velvet ropes. The collegiate merely lounged around. While the kids found a respite from public life when the museum closed, the breaker had to live entirely on view. In addition, the kids discovered the mystery about the statue which spawned all kinds of activity. Evidently, no inscrutable Renaissance statue surfaced at Wallyworld over Spring Break '06.

To succeed in staying a week with stealth unnecessary and mystery undiscovered, I think the spring breaker needed a better plan for his time at Wal-Mart. This brings me to the PBS special. A man went to rural Alaska for one year to see if he could live alone – mostly off the land -- and endure the weather and solitude. He set up daily tasks like measuring the temperature of the air and water; digging paths; taking walks; exploring and hiking different areas of the region; gathering wood; seasonal fishing and hunting; keeping a journal; and making his house, furniture and fireplace by hand with available resources. In this way, the hermit created full and satisfying days for himself — and ultimately staying on for thirty years (into his 80s).

The spring breaker had a week; and it looks like movie watching and lawn-chair sleeping does not a full week make. How about this?

Beginning with a refreshing morning splash in the restroom sink, he could note the number of patrons in the store. This task could be repeated at regular intervals during the day. He could enjoy a morning cup of coffee and read the paper (or several papers) in the deli. Then he could partake of a proper breakfast from aisle one, planning to eat each meal of his stay on consecutive aisles. Finally, the morning could be rounded out by apprenticing himself to a mentor in one of the various departments: administration, stocking, gardening, fish and pets, automotive, sewing and crafts, photo lab, produce, or clothing. People typically like talking about their work and (perhaps even more) about themselves, for example: “So, Yoko (she ws the Raymondville manager), your first name sounds Japanese, but your last name (McCrea) sounds Scottish; tell me about that. How long have you been with Wal-Mart? Do you hire illegal, I mean, undocumented workers? Why do most employees have blue vests but a few people have red ones? Where is your vest?”

After lunch (on aisle two) and a rest, he could take care of personal business like banking, having an eye examination, and getting a haircut. Afternoon leisure time might include setting up a chess board in the deli and accept challenges from passer-bys (Lincoln knew a guy who did this in the mall in McAllen, TX, which – as a side note - is located in one of the poorest areas of the country and is one of the most successful malls in America by virtue of rich shoppers from Mexico), sampling new music, and perfecting the Plush Bus metal claw toy-retrieval system.

Before the evening rush, he could consider an independent project: pretending to be blind, deaf, or reliant on a motorized cart; shopping for one product from each letter of the alphabet (and then returning each one to its proper shelf spot) or performing community service by cleaning up the broken pickle bottle on aisle six or the leaky milk in the freezer section.

After dinner (on aisle three), he could return wayward carts to the corral and start a pick up football game in the back parking lot for boys who aren’t trustworthy enough to be left at home alone while Mom shops. Here he gets important fresh air and exercise as well as insight into parking lot culture.

In the evening, he could socialize with shoppers by offering dramatic readings from books off the discount table; devising and testing ways to make babies stop crying; giving free rides on the Mickey Mouse car in the entrance way, and checking on travelers parking their RVs for the night. Then, one more count of the patrons, a time for reflection and journaling, a midnight snack (from aisle four), and it’s off to the lawn chair or bathroom stall. What do you think?

Now I live about ten minutes from a great Kroger, a Trader Joe's, a Whole Foods, and a Fresh Market, but Wal-Mart will always have a special place right here (picture me tapping on my heart).

Found

2010-08-30T05:05:00.001-07:00

Playmobil Hair Club for Men. Meeting at 2 P.M. in the castle courtyard. Newcomers welcomed.

Found

2010-08-27T12:15:00.001-07:00

In case you forgot how old the person living in this room is (hmmm, wonder where she got that number??).

I am the Target Audience

2010-08-23T13:34:00.001-07:00

16,635 franchises later and there is still power in this paper cup. Not only are you cool, you are also important because you only have time to get your coffee to go. And you have $3 to spend on what should cost about $0.33.

Found

2010-08-19T16:38:00.000-07:00

Either somebody hired these guys to monitor hand-washing in the boys' bathroom—or they're two marauding pirates out to steal some treasure in their double-decker space vessel.

I am the Target Audience

2010-08-14T13:15:00.000-07:00

"I am the Target Audience" is a new feature here at secureyourownmask. I'd like to believe that I am above the fray of packaging, marketing, and targeting, but I'm not. Some examples:

The "Mom Agenda" will make me more organized. And IMPORTANT. I have one in chocolate.

Moleskine notebooks will make me a better writer because writers have to be ready to write down things at any moment because what they think of is important. And writers like trendy colors. I have a couple of these in my bag.

Glassware with foreign words (this one says "milk" in four different languages). These will make me feel (and be) more European, which means I will feel (and be) cooler. This is very important for organized moms who are writers. I have five (I used to have six until someone pitched it into our really-deep sink).

I am the target audience.

Coming Soon: Jesse Mayfield on Inspiration